Act 1, Scene 1

Curtain rises

A Chinese girl, early 20's, more heavily built than most girls of her race, with slightly Mongoloid feature, is standing at the kitchen table busily rubbing some margerine and flour together. It's probable she is making scones as clotted cream and jam are set on the table which is to the front right of the stage. She is wearing a camouflage skirt, a loud t-shirt advertising some ear-shattering rock-band, a pair of flip flops with 2cm heels and little else. It is bright sunlight outside, high summer in England.

Off-stage there is a large crash and an overweight late middle age Englishman enters from the left. He sees the Chinese girl and tries to kick her, not a vicious kick by any means, but clearly intended to connect. She dodges, spills the milk which she was adding to the scones on the floor, and successfully kicks him back, again no great force is used. He slips on the milk, falls on the floor cursing and notices the skirt.

English: "Hello WangXi, that's a very pretty skirt"

WangXi: "Yes, I bought it in Beijing for about a pound"

She leans over and helps him to his feet. He looks in justifiable horror at the t-shirt. He walks all the way round WangXi looking with increasing terror at the t-shirt. WangXi goes back to the scone preparation. A black and white cat starts lapping up the milk.

WangXi: "and the t-shirt was a pound too"

English: "So you mean that I can go to Beijing and dress a Chinese girl for two pounds? ... That seems to be remarkably good value to me, no wonder there are so many Chinese if you can get a girl dressed for just two pounds"

WangXi: "My flip-flops also cost a pound, that makes three pounds in total doesn't it?"

English: "The Chinese I had in mind would only cost me two pounds!"

WangXi throws her shoes at the Englishman and leaves through the door, noticeably stamping as she leaves. She kicks him as she exits. He follows.

[Lights]

Scene 2

There is a pair of flip flops with 2 inch heels now chained to the table leg. The scones are finished and have been covered with jam and cream. The Englishman enters. He is carrying a paper bag containing about a half-kilo of cherries. He carefully lifts the cherries out and places them in a little wicker bowl on the table. As he finishes WangXi enters, grabs a handful and retreats to the far corner of the stage. She opens her laptop and starts typing.

English: "Have you seen this web page, WangXi?

http://www.treemendus-fruit.com/int.htm

I suppose one could compute the initial velocity given the distance"

There is a short pause as WangXi enters the URL and inspects the contents.

WangXi: "100 feet? That's 30 metres? That's impossible"

English: "I've never had any trouble crossing a room, say 6 metres, about where you're sitting."

There is a very long brooding silence.

"Phtt". A cherry stone appears on the floor about the same distance from both on-stage characters. It is not clear who spat it. It is clear that neither of them will admit to it, although obviously *they* know who did it. There is another brooding silence interrupted by the arrival of a Mauritian girl. An exchange of greetings takes place.

Wendy: "Hi WangXi, Hi John!"

WangXi: "Hi Wendy!"

John: "Hi Wendy!"

At least the audience now knows everyone's name. Another silence.

"Phtt". A short silence.

"Phtt" "Phtt" "Phtt" "Phtt" "Phtt" "Phtt" "Phtt" "Phtt"

Each has scored a couple of hits on the other

Wendy: "You two are disgusting!". Exits, grabbing a scone as she leaves

WangXi and John who seem to have run out of cherries, now pick up a scone each and leave. WangXi aims a kick and misses. The cherry stones are all over the floor. John chases after her trying to kick her. She makes a bolt for her bedroom. John barricades her in and demands an apology

John: "Say Sorry!"

WangXi "Shan't"

This goes on for a while, clearly no-one is going to back down

[The Lights slowly dim]

Scene 3

A deafening crash, as of large furniture being dropped, is heard offstage. The stage revolves to show an entrance hall, evidently the entrance hall to the house where WangXi and John live. There is a coolie line stretching from the front door to the roadside. It is passing in various equipment and impedimenta necessary as a life support system for any self-respecting Chinese student at a London college. A slightly dented fridge is completely blocking the hall. WangXi is in the line passing things along to another Chinese girl. Dressed in red and slightly more lightly built than WangXi she is staggering under the weight of all the suitcases, televisions, 100 watt sound reproduction systems etc. Additionally a very tiny and a very tall and graceful girl, both Chinese, are helping, as is Wendy and a couple of boys. There is a burst of Mandarin that sounds like a late night feline disagreement, the two Chinese boys raise their arms in salute and leave through the still open front door, closing it as they go. One feels they should have been holding little red books.

John is seen coming down the stairs to the hall ...

John: "Er, excuse me, but would someone explain what's going on here?". ... "Er, perhaps I don't want to know"

WangXi: "We're looking after some of Xiang's things (nodding in the tiny girl's direction) for her, over the summer".

John: " ... but I thought it was BeiBei (indicating the tall girl) who was coming to stay while you were in Beijing. ShiYiLan (addressing the girl in red) please tell me what's going on".

It is evident that John is now very confused and feels that of the four, the only one to be trusted is ShiYiLan. He slumps down miserably on the bottom stair and looks as though he'd rather not be there. Escape by now is impossible. The hall is a metre deep in suitcases and the fridge has got jammed on the stairs. The scene is reminiscent of the pile of gold that Fasolt and Fafner demanded as the price for building Valhalla. ShiYiLan disappears and returns with a litre mug of coffee, placing it next to John and starts to explain .... she does this patiently, John nodding after each clause.

ShiYiLan: "WangXi is leaving in four days; she will return in 2 months; She has rented her room to BeiBei for the summer; BeiBei is staying for 3 months; WangXi will sleep in the Library when she gets back for a month if necessary until BeiBei leaves again; I'm staying all summer; WangXi is going to share with me till she leaves in 4 days; Xiang is BeiBei's flatmate and she's going to ShangHai in 4 days too; She asked would we mind keeping a couple of suitcases over the summer; Xiang will stay with Beibei for four days"

John: "Who's house is this - I seem to have half the population of China camping in my front hall at the moment?" .. admires the suitcases ... "couple?" ... "COUPLE???!" ... "That's what comes of using an abacus for calculation - one, two, many!"

While this explanation proceeds the suitcases disappear upstairs. The fridge disappears too. Eventually order is restored.

Scene 4

During this process the stage slowly revolves back to the original set. By the time the scene is set the four girls are sitting round the table talking loudly, crunching Walker's crisps, studying tourist maps and drinking green tea. John is curled up in an armchair in the far corner, half holding, half reading a bridge magazine and wincing whenever the sound level drowns out the television which is playing a dvd of Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro" with Chinese subtitles.

WangXi: "Scotland"

Xiang: "Ireland"

ShiYiLan: "Lake District"

BeiBei: "Aberystwth" (a small town 100 miles from nowhere on the West Coast of Wales)

WangXi: "Isle of Arran"

Xiang: "York Minster"

ShiYiLan: "Beyreuth" (a German town famous for Wagnerian opera)

BeiBei: "Llanfairpwllgwyn.."

John: "Why don't you go to Cornwall."

WangXi: "Where's Cornwall?"

John: "Where's GuangDong?"

Xiang: "Been to Cornwall"

John: "Been to the USA"

ShiYiLan: "Where would we stay?" (as ever practical)

BeiBei: "Brecon Beacons"

While this goes on endlessly in the background John pulls an analogue telephone from the wall and winds it up. "Dring dring"

Voice: "Yays, me 'arties"

John: "Visit, long time?"

Voice: "Yays"

John: "4 days?"

Voice: "Yays"

John: "4 Chinese girl students?"

Voice: "wait one" ... "Yays, t'usual". Apparently nothing fazes the voice.

John: "leaving now. Ta bro". disconnects. "Right that's settled"

Normal human beings would have discussed weather, children, fish recipes, arthritis, scandal and other things before spending 20 minutes getting confused over the idea that one's London brother is about to descend for 4 days having not visited for a while, with four Chinese girls in tow, and that one is expected to cater for all this at, probably, 6 hours notice. Voice and John can't be bothered with that. For them communication is at caveman level. Direct, brutal and factual.

John: "My brother has said that it will be fine for us all to go visit him as he hasn't seen me for a couple of years, and that it's perfectly ok for you guys to come too. He'll put some mattresses down in a corner of his living room, asks would you bring a sleeping bag, and would you mind self-catering"

4 Chinese: "!!!!!"

John: "If we leave now we'll get there at 3 in the morning"

The table is cleared by magic, 4 rucksacs and an oversized brief case are fetched, one twice the size of the others belongs to Xiang. Imagine a 12 yr old girl carrying a military Bergen rucksac. She doesn't seem to notice the weight. An MPV is seen through the window, The impedimenta, the Chinese and John climb in and the MPV moves off.

[Lights] Intermission